Summer Grad News 5

svmmer grad
neyoouws
a neyoouwsletter
conteyning accovntes
of
I. most wondrous euents
and
II. most phantastickal acktivityes
and
III. Most sapient views
regarding divers topicks
experienc’d, condvcted, and held,
respectiuely
by
graduate stvdentes
and
written for the enterteynement
of same
_________________________
volume II, Issve V
____________________________
MISS meaghan rondeau is the compilatrix
miss nickole bocci , Mr. paul harms, mr.
Jason mcclvre, MISS arda okur, mr. james
wilson are the contribvtors
calgary
patrician village press
1919 vniversity driue
MMIV.
1
stories on top
OVERSIGHT APOLOGIZED FOR
NEW STUDENT MISTAKEN
Culpa rubet vultus meus. In last month’s edition of
Summer GRAD News, I (apparently I’m writing this
in the first person) began the article “Uberfraulein!”
with the exhortation, “Strap on your finest lederhosen
and grab some bratwurst!” Obviously, the second
conjunct ought to have read, “grab your bratwurst”.
That would have been comedy gold. I beg the
readers of this publication to forgive this lapse in
its usual outstanding journalistic ehhhxcellence.
It is in fact so stellar that one Nicole Bocci was
recently heard to assert, “I don’t read the GRADvisor
anymore. I only read SummerGRAD News.”
Culpa rubet vultus eius. Froshie MA
Graham Whiteson needs to get a better
handle on irregular Greek verbs.
At a social gathering on the balcony of
the McClure family on September 18,
Wigson pleasantly accosted acquaintance
Meaghan Rondeau regarding the rare verb
blargnumi, claiming that she had missed
a vital gamma in the perfect passive form,
beblarmai (“I have been blarghed”). “It
ought to be ‘beblargmai’, he stated.
In fact, however, blargnumi is a verb
derived from the Sanskrit bhalaghrami, “I am harassed”. (The two taken together imply the Indo-European
form bha-lhrömi, bha being a prefix expressing dismay or annoyance, whence “bah!”, a popular
exclamation in many modern languages.) The gamma present in the Greek blargnumi is due to the “gh” in
the Sanskrit bhalagrami, but in fact, as a result of the interplay of several complex linguistic phenomena,
that combination of consonants would have undergone consonantal elision, or ecthlipsis, such that it would
have been pronounced “bhala’hrami”.
The Greek language is more resistant than Sanskrit to intra-verbal ecthlipsis, and so the “g”, present already
in the Sanskrit spelling, made a re-appearance in the Greek pronunciation. Initially, then, the perfect
passive form of the verb would in fact have been beblargmai, as Witherspoon claimed. However, in the
Greek as in the Sanskrit, the “g” began to be pronounced more lightly, until, over time, it did drop out of
first the pronunciation and then the spelling of certain forms, one of which being the perfect passive. By the
classical period, it was being pronounced and spelled “beblarmai”.
“I’ll just be sitting here drinking a rum and waiting patiently for my apology from the Cambridge
Companion to Alexander,” cunning linguist Rondeau cheerfully told Summer GRAD News.
FIRE USEFUL, BUT NOT
NECESSARY…OR IS IT?
Two weeks ago, Arda Okur, Paul Harms, Carolyn
Willekes, and Jason McClure boiled with anger
in the heat of a fervent discussion of a burning
question: does humankind need fire to survive?
Many points were made, not all of them utterly
irrelevant. Among the most notable comments
were Okur’s “Duuuuuuuude! Metal and food!”
and Harms’ declaration, “I won’t kowtow to
your segues.” Harms later challenged McClure
to “go curl up at the shore of the Bow River with
some animal skins.”
Willekes remained admirably calm throughout
the debate, preferring to sit back and watch the
chaos be unfolded by her new colleagues.
TOASTMASTER 2, FEDS 0
Peter Toohey can put away his trench coat and
sleek grifter-style sunglasses: Nicole Bocci can now
receive her paycheques the legal way!
According to a secret insider source, Bocci’s request
for a work visa was granted by the fine people at the
Department of Working Hard or Hardly Working.
Imagine the lies that application form must have
showcased: everybody knows Bocci is living the high
life in a ritzy manse with her loaded fiancé and has
no intention of doing any real work ever again.
“As soon as I finish editing Reyes’ papers,” she
proclaimed, “I’m going to retire and spend my golden
years pursuing my real passion in life: blowing
birds.”
2
A LIGHTER SHADE OF PAIL
Guest columnist Paul Harms tells a story about Kale Scotchque!
Kale, Classical language enthusiast, recently recompensed Pail for Latin lessons over the summer. His
mode of remuneration was the favourite of the Late Helladic namely barter. When meeting to read some of
Xenophon's Apology Kale regretfully said he could not because of his hungover state. The culprits he said
were weed and beer. Was it good weed Pail asked. My buddy doesn't mess around responded Kale. Thence
he reached into his backpack to produce a canister in which resided a 40 ouncer of Glennfiddich Scotch
Whiskey. Enjoy he said and thanks. Pail gushed and was at a loss for words. His mind was flooded with
thoughts of Ron Burgundy and turned considering obsessively where he might find a tumbler and some ice.
For a moment he considered sharing it with his fellow Scotch enthusiasts and quickly was satisfied with the
condition: If we get together before I finish it then I will share. But just as quickly he began contriving
ways to keep as out of touch as possible for the next week (trying to be moderate and savour the golden gift
of the highlands) until he finished.
T.S. Eliot, whose name is an anagram of “toilets”, once said,
“The taking of shits is a difficult matter”—
but you will feel like a veritable red-carpet superstar
if you deploy
toilet paper!
©2004 Krondea Enterprises Inc.
3
BEHOLD! BAKLAVA BY ARDA! WITH ARROWS FOR EMPHASIS!
CAN YOU NOT SEE HOW DELECTABLE IT IS?
bocci the kitchen beotchie
presents
a Recipe for Croppsicles
1 ice cube tray
14 popsicle sticks (or one for every ice cube)
your favorite juice
Pour your favorite juice into the ice cube tray as if you were making ice cubes.
Then place stick into each ice cube.
Place in freezer.
Once frozen you will have a refreshing Croppsicle to enjoy while you read your
favorite tragedy by Euripides!
FANTASTIC!!!
4
AND NOW, JIM WILSON WOULD LIKE TO PRESENT
A CERTAIN TRANSCRIPT, WHICH HE HAS ENTITLED
“SONG WITH NO WORDS”
Sunday 26 sept 2004 1am
MR this is the song that has no words
Scott has written words for the song that used to have no words
MR?JM? we got a great big cornflakes riding thru the night
MR ...or 10 big ones, melt them all together, stir serve
NB hell no are you talking flakes biatch, I'm talking corn flakes
MR this is going to be the best issue ever
MR I swear to god the gradvisor blows goats.
MR the gradvisor sucks hind teat
NB my god you have "hind" "teat"? [ref magnetic poetry]
NB where did you get that word from?
MR [reads screen] oh man this is why i have to stay up to date with
summer grad news
AO this is like the beer i used to drink
NB was that the day you had a beer?
MR the prof was like... what are you doing? you're opening a beer
NB [quotes magnetic poetry] methinks it seemly that this ho shall
repose at yonder ho-tel
AO+PH [whispering]
JM [explosive belch]
MR scotchy scotch scotch
NB did you drink that
MR no i didn't touch that
NB [throws ill-aimed paper towel]
MR Spike
NB Baa
JM oh my god whose raki?
MR but for now its all good
NB you've got to stand up for grad ball
JM that's an odd sentence " you've got to stand up for grad ball"
MR [degenerates into incoherent dead languages]
NB biatch give it back [laughs like a hysterical grackle]
NB [nosily reads screen]
MR I said {further crap}
SN I feel like masticated cow
SN what are you writing for
PH ok oh fuck that ok pitch me one up
NB ok now that was my fault
PH the tables have turned so to speak I'm the real deal
NB huh thank you
MR good volley
NB you with the spikes you're evil
NB jim's not playing
PH that's one to me, k do i get to serve?
PH that's yours I should have had that
JS i'm exhausted
GW i'm graham
rest of room [silence]
5
CW i'm lying on the floor looking at the ceiling
CW i'm practiced at lying on the floor
NB i bought bocci ice cream
JW [silent admiration]
PH 3-0 what are we playing to 5000?
MR i've never seen it with a score
PH we've got a tiger on the court
NB tiger woods
MR 40-love
JS cheers and good night
PH where are my reading glasses?
MR [gibberish]
ALL go paul
NB i give you a point for style
MR thank you for your journalism
CW I have a friend working at sunshine this year: half price
lift tickets
MR not even an epsilon
NB [laughs like a drain]
NB jim you wanna play
MR do you want to use a piece of thesis instead of paper towel
room [quiet with gentle guitar music from JM]
NB shit
NB it's like psh psh psh psh [obscure leg movements]
NB what are you on top of [hic] the cat post [hic]? [hic]?
SN whoooo
JM if you tap it once in a while it looks like you know what you're doing
[probably refering to a guitar]
NB [hic]
PH [removes shirt]
JM where’s the camera? there’s april
NB we have to do that
NB+MR [sing juicy fruit]
room [rapturous aplause]
SN [to GW] do you know what they're singing about
GW the juicy fruit commercial
SN [pause] are you being condescending?
GW no
SN would you do that?
GW not unless you were behind a cage
...
GW [hangs glasses off ears]
PH you should let them hang there cos the longer it hangs the more they think you know about mythology
ALL "the longer it hangs the more you know about mythology"?
PH there should be more freeform cinema
[Editor’s Note: This is why I want to write novels. Here we’ve got a room full of intelligent, interesting,
highly-educated people, some of whom are a little or a lot crapulent, but we all know it’s not much different
when we’re sober. Comprehensible, grammatical dialogue is all well and good in its own way, but, as two
profoundly gifted women once said, this is life.]
6
Summer GRAD News
October 11: Sunny, with cloudy periods, possible flurries, probability of precipitation 100%
October 12: A mix of sun and cloud, Skor bar blizzard, chicken caesar salad and a large Coke
please
October 13: Amorous mood developing late in day, with a 75% chance of gettin’ it on
October 14: Instability throughout the day, random goat attacks, etc.
October 15: Sun explodes…finally
Sponsored by Jim Wilson and the National Anti-Bush No-Vote-Bush-for-President Alliance to Prevent the Voting for of Bush for President
MEANHAG PRESENTS…
So I’m in the car with my mom, my cousin, and my grandma. We’re on our way back from the
Cheesecake Café, and I’m in the back seat preparing myself emotionally for a night at Jason’s.
Mom’s talking about how my sister is a hesitant driver, whereas my brother was a natural and
drove with confidence from the very beginning. She then adds, “Meaghan was a good driver,
too.” I make some sarcastic self-deprecating comment along the lines of, “Oh, I was magnificent
at it”, and immediately my grandma, turning around in her seat in order to get in my face, says, in
the most sarcastic tone of voice in Christendom: “Yeah—top of the class!!!” ZING!
7
Frolic in the tepid stream of my consciousness!! It’s
Hapax Megomena
(a column about what I feel like writing a column about)
These people who keep saying that alcohol is a depressant are fucked in the head (thesis
statement). I mean, not to be critical or anything, but what kind of stupid logic is that?
Come on now. If it made us depressed, we would stop buying it in quantites so
conspicuously disproportionate with the totals displayed on our paycheques. And if
depression were a mental condition the “sufferers” of which believed they were hilarious,
happy, extroverted dreamsicles, and that everything was going to turn out okay,
psychiatrists would be prescribing a lot less medication. That’s an iron-clad argument,
by the way. A positively adamantine double reductio ad absurdum. I think we can all
agree that the only depressing part is when you run out (bang drum). Speaking of which,
how did we get the phrase “run out” with the objective genitive? “I’ve run out of rum.”
What does that even mean? Was I ever in rum, such that running out of it would have
been possible? And if, through the benevolent machinations of Bacchus, I had been in
rum, why would I have run out? Do we ever get an explanation of that? Given the choice,
why wouldn’t I have stayed in it? Everyone knows I would fuck 8 goats for a sip of rum. It
says so right on my fridge. Rum and I are like this [crosses index and middle fingers of
right hand to symbolize interconnection, waves hand in your face].
This column exemplifies the level of thought-provocation competence that one can
acquire through the study of philosophy. [Lord of the Rings theme song creeps into
background, quiet at first, increasing with respect to volume as the paragraph
progresses to its triumphant conclusion.] All day I sit here theologizin’ wit da finest, inkspillin’ an’ free-willin’ like Thomas Aquinas. Yeah I got these wheels ’cause I been eatin’
McDeals. One thing that gets me about modern times is why the hell can’t people stop
hoarkin’ loogies all over the damn place. You’re walking along and suddenly it’s
Expectoration Station, Joe Clogthroat over there is doing the thoracic warmup like he’s
at McMahon Stadium in front of a record crowd of Stamps fans, about to launch the
national anthem out of his esophagus. Worse, though, is coming across saliva inside the
Social Sciences building. People, hear me now. Yes, the steps are made of concrete, but
that doesn’t mean you’re outside; it means the humanities and social sciences missed
the 2:00 gravy train. Okay? Furthermore, even if you were outside, it still wouldn’t be
acceptable to shoot a noseclot down a staircase.
We’ve covered excessive alcohol consumption, my relationship with rum, English
grammar, McDeals, and people who spit. Which brings us to Mount St. Helens. Let’s have
a merry toast to LIQUID HOT MAGMA! I’m no seismologist, but that thing is gonna blow,
no two ways about it. My prediction: it will destroy Planet Earth. We should all prepare
our space-age Volcano Shelters for this eventuality. Mine is made of a SeaborgiumMolybdenum compound, Mo3Sg4. Inside are many cans of Spam and enough silver onepiece suits to last me through a cold cold winter. My friends, life is sweet.
8
you can’t do it
YOU WILL NEVER
accomplish anything
why
bother
living?
l
Send cheque or money order to Summer GRAD News Calendar Offer, D204-1919 University
Drive NW, Calgary AB, T2N 4K6. Act now and receive a second February absolutely free!
9
I Left My Heart in San Francisco
by roxane Toastmaster
O
n the 18th of September Nicole Bocci and her fiancé, Jim Wilson, along with
various friends and family, celebrated their engagement. The week started with
an array of festivities. The usual visits to everyone and their mother in the
shortest time span ever were made. One of the more exciting visits was to
Nicole’s father, a funny and smart, yet looking for love in all the wrong places
type. Nicole and Jim, along with Nicole’s brother Dominic, had dinner with
Randy Bocci and well, to say the least, it was interesting. Good times were had
by all, sarcastic remarks were said by everyone and there was some consuming of
libations. (But I digress.) On the Friday of that week Nicole and Jim were joined
by Jim’s brother John, and his roommate, Kirti. On Saturday the 18th, the four
friends set off on an adventure through the city. First they went to North Face, in
Union Square, to purchase a winter coat for Kirti, who was preparing for
Calgary’s snow. They then venture off to the beach where Kirti, John and Jim
went for a run, while Nicole headed to the Cliff House to stay warm and check
out the view. Upon everyone’s return to the car, they returned to Nicole’s house
where everyone was greeted by Dominic. Everyone got all dolled up for their
hot meal and at 5pm sharp a stretch limo arrived (courtesy of Nicole’s mom) to
escort the four to the party. As they drove down the freeway they all laughed at
the faces of the other drivers who wondered what VIP’s could be traveling in the
limo. Once at the Hotel Majestic, everyone was surprised to see that guests had
already started to arrive, over an hour early!!!!!! By 6:30 Jim was swamped by
loads of family members and friends who wanted to know all about him. Much
socializing and drinking continued throughout the cocktail hour. Then at 7
everyone sat down to have their hot meal. Nicole’s mother gave a lovely toast
where Jim’s virility was praised, much to his surprise and Nicole’s embarrassment.
After a nice dinner and dessert (which included maple candy brought from
Canada) everyone started to head home. Overall the evening was a success. All
of the guests were in awe of Jim and Nicole, well she’s still alive and breathing.
Nicole, Jim, John and Kirti then left the party and took a limo tour of the city and
the bay area. Only one word can describe the beauty of such a city at
night…scrumptrelescent. Now we can only wait in eager anticipation for what
the wedding will bring.
[I knew there was something going on between these two!! Jason, you owe me
a Coke.—Ed.]
10
by Jim Thing
Child Three
Last week, or a couple of weeks ago, that guy that works at the
hospital had a baby. The healthy baby boy or girl was born
weighing some pounds and ounces (so many kilograms in the
new metrificated system). Everybody was filled with emotion,
in all likelihood happiness, at the arrival. Despite this
reporter’s suggestion the baby will not be named “Child
Three”. But another name has been chosen.
Found
On Thursday a man, 43, found something. It was quite the find, he said. His wife, 43, admitted that it was
quite the find – but didn’t know where they could put it, and was secretly hoping that someone would claim
it quite soon.
Mr and Mrs
Two beautiful single people are about to stop being just that. At the time of going to press, matrimonialness
is just around the corner for this A-list couple. The fashion cognoscenti will no doubt be agog at the bride’s
sartorial acumen and the groom’s matching shoes. The ceremony itself will go ahead without a hitch. It is
unlikely that wild, Terentian revelations will transpire, as the pair are known by all to be the acme of
probity. And as full of made-for-each-otherishness as two people can possibly be without leaking onto the
floor. All at SGN wish the couple a marriage as celestial as an angel snorting angel dust.
Traffic nightmare
One of the roads into the town is being repaired or resurfaced. Many cars and vehicles have had to slow
down or drive at a standstill. A spokesman for the town said “Work will be on going”. In the mean time
drivers and other road users are encouraged to use a different road.
Hipop hoping against hope
A mexican butterfly caterpillar, Hipopta Agavis, 1, is looking for his mother. She was last seen inching
(centimetering in the new metrificated system) towards an ominous Guadalajara distillery. We all know
that terrible unmentionable things have transpired, and Hipopta will be searching for quite some time.
When asked, he said, “I’m actually considerably less vocal than your anthropomorphism would suggest.”
G “WMD” Bush
Two men, one TV studio, one other man. That was the recipe for this week’s Presidential massdebate. The
Elephant Man babbled, “They showed up in Afghanistan when they were there, because they tried to beat
us and they didn't. And they're showing up in Iraq for the same reason.” This obtuseness was countered by
John F**Kerry: “Jim, let me tell you exactly what I'll do. And there are a long list of thing. First of all,
what kind of mixed message ...”, And indeed the long list comprised one thing.
All this vagary gets cleared up November 2 when America goes to the polls. Our very own US electorate
has just been mailed her “practice ballot”, and is currently rehearsing her “X”.
11
Vol3. Ad-riddled news
Vol2. Aimless ranting blogs
©Heston Reads 2003
Vol6. Weird Anime Porn
©Heston Reads 2003
Vol5. More Porn
Vol1. University Webpages
©Heston Reads 2003
©Heston Reads 2003
Vol4. Soft porn
©Heston Reads 2003
©Heston Reads 2003
99.7% saving!!!
Each tape in this 6 volume masterpiece is
authoratively recorded by the legendary wordsmith himself in a dulcet baritone monologue.
A famous person once said “a picture is worth
a thousand words”. But not for Charlton
Heston, whose experience on stage and screen
allows him to describe most pictures in just 3
words!!! Just think, that’s a 99.7% saving!!!
Now you can enjoy the wonders of the Internet,
from the comfort of your own home, with this
collectible boxed-set of 6 audio cassette tapes.
Even in the jeep!!!
You and your loved ones can take the joys that
the Internet has to offer wherever you normally
listen to audio cassette tapes, whether that’s
in your library, in your Montana bunker, or even
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Following orders
Obviously this is not available in shops.
But, fear not, you can order this product without
leaving the safety of your own impound:* just
dial the easy to use 1-800 number below, our
operators are standing by**
*if the use of the colon to introduce an explanation causes you confusion and fear, simply think of it like a comma.
**some of the weaker liberal operators have to be allowed to sit.
A JIM WILSON GRADSTERPIECE
12
ARE YOU
DO YOU NEED
HAS THE
?????
TURNED YOU DOWN????
IS YOUR CREDIT
IS
??
GIVING YOU
????????
???????????????
DO YOU HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE OVERUSE
???????
A revolutionary breakthrough in the field of medical ehhhxcellence has occurred! Using the
power of science, scientists have created a pain-killing drug designed with the special needs of
graduate students in mind! GRADvilTM is a scientifically-determined combination of
acetylsalicylic acid, acetominophen, ibuprofen, and crack cocaine!
Do you drink heavily or chain smoke? Throw away those second-rate self-medications forever!
GRADvilTM is highly addictive, and it creates a false impression of genuine happiness!
It’s the only thing you’ll need to keep a secret stash of in your home, office, and vehicle!
Paper due? Tutorial to teach? Fake newsletter to write?
Ou phrontis Hippokleidei!
Never again will pain interfere with your sexy lifestyle!
Not tonight,
headache—I
have a honey!
Sweet
action.
Thanks,
GRADvil!
13
Important Art Project
by Jim Wilson
Directions: Print the picture, then connect the dots with a writing
implement, beginning at “1” and continuing properorderwise until
all of the dots have been connected!
14
Letters to the GRADitor
GRAD
Sirs:
I was wondering, does Summer GRAD News count as a publication? I’m trying to beef up my SSHRC
application. Those commie bastards wouldn’t let me apply last year and I’m determined not to get screwed
over again. I demand satisfaction! Oh, and does e-mail count as a publication?
Well, I have to go now and finish drinking the scotch that someone left over here the other night. Thanks
for your help!
Meaghan Rondeau
Meaghan Rondeau
[You’re writing to yourself. Don’t you think that’s odd? And now you’re referring to yourself in the second
person, and asking yourself questions, and replying to them, as though you were two different people, plus
also the third person who is now commenting upon it all. Anyway, no, Summer GRAD News does not
count as a publication, although it ought to, because it is world-class literature. If your e-mail has been
published, then yes, it does count as a publication; otherwise, it does not. Sorry to disappoint you, and
good luck with your application!—Ed.]
[Sirs:]
As a long time reader of the erstwhile Summer Grad Nous now Summer Grad News, I would like to say
congratulations! The publication has reached a new and hitherto unexplored plateau. I recently had a
chance to see the reviewed movie at the Cinematheque at Artspace. The buzz in the ticket line did not
build up false expectations. Let me just say: it pushed boundaries, made me question and feel
uncomfortable with both myself and the Other, attacked social constructions with a unique theoretical blend
including, to name just a few, Marxist, Feminist, Ovidian, Lacanian, Wilamowitzian, Foucauldian and
Homeric. I raise my glass to the bold new voice from the North West of Cowtown.
Sincerely,
ct|Ä ☺
Pails of Muddy Water
Winnipeg
[The best part was when Jason didn’t know where the hell the toilet paper was! Ha ha ha!! LOL! ROFL!
LROLEWEIRODHGFDEOS!!—Ed.]
Meegan, you stinking reprobate,
I warned you about printing that kangaroo story. I have never wrestled a kangaroo. It was a wallaby. First
of all, I was very drunk at the time, and secondly, he started it. He was in my face. If you don’t believe
me, ask Haijo; he took the pictures.
15
As long as I’ve known you, you’ve shown a complete dearth of professionalism and sought cheap laughs at
the expense of your own integrity. I reckon you’d be well advised to give up this newspaper or whatever it
is and spend some time getting caught up with your thesis. And how about putting some effort into teaching
your students properly? One of them told me you spent a good ten minutes of your last class discussing the
Weekly World News, and later claimed that partior means “I party”. Please don’t ever again try to weasel
your way into the University Club. My hench people (Paul, Arda, and Jason) will be on you like weird on a
platypus.
With profound disappointment,
Peter Toohey
Dr. Peter G. Toohey, Department Head
Greek and Roman Studies
P.S. You write as though I taught you nothing about Thebes and the triangle it forms with Argos and
Athens.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Meaghan’s great grandma who turned 102 on
October 8! That is fucking OLD!
16
17